opera summer 2017, #7

Since last I wrote, it's been a week of craziness!

Day 19 (Thursday evening, Idomeneo): Idomeneo Sitzprobe.  Pretty straightforward.  The chorus ran staging in one half of the church while the principals worked through all the solo/small ensemble pieces with the orchestra, then we joined them to do the chorus numbers.  Worked out a lot of kinks in the staging, and I thought we fit with the orchestra quite well.

Day 20 (Friday evening, Idomeneo): Idomeneo room run.  First a music call - going over some entrances, reworking dynamics, getting the energy back that we'd lost over the staging process.  Then into the full run.  A few hiccups, but nothing unfixable.  Getting more comfortable with the order of things and where we go when.  One final run before we're in the space!

Day 21 (Saturday afternoon, Opera 360): I'd forgotten about this rehearsal until the evening before ... Sitzprobe for the gala concert.  Kind of important!  We had a short meeting first with the singers, where we got info on how precisely the space was set up, what the order would be, etc.  Then we got into the orchestra rehearsal proper.  I had to leave early, so I didn't hear all the pieces, but the pieces I did hear were sounding great, and our duet fit together really nicely.  We did some really basic staging, just feeling out the emotional beats and when was best to move closer, or move apart, things like that.

Day 21 (Saturday evening, Suor): Wandleprobe!  First thing was to transport all the set and props - not a ridiculous amount of stuff, but heavy risers.  Got a nasty bruise on my calf, oops.  Then we did the Suor Wandle, which went really well - everything was falling into place quite nicely, the entrances made sense, the distances were about the same, and it actually proved a little easier to not get off the stick from the back of the church, which I was quite pleased with.  (Alas, because we're working in a church, and funnily enough they have a service on Sunday morning, we had to tear down the whole set before we left.  Oh well, we got our exercise for the day...)

Day 22 (Sunday afternoon, Suor): Piano dress!  This went swimmingly.  The only things we're missing now are the orchestra in the space, and our costumes, both of which come on Monday.

Day 22 (Sunday evening, Idomeneo): Idomeneo Wandleprobe.  Also went quite well, though we're still not in the space, and that will make things considerably different.  Soon, though.  Soon.  Soon it will alllll come together.

Day 23 (Monday evening, Suor): Orchestra dress rehearsal!  There were a lot of hiccups tonight.  Tempos felt weird, we had trouble hearing the orchestra (I think the orchestra had trouble hearing us too), costumes arrived but weren't complete in some cases so we had to make do on short notice which caused some flusteredness.  But we got through it and never had to stop, which counts for a LOT.  And you know what they say - an iffy dress rehearsal means a good show, right?

Day 24 (Tuesday evening, Idomeneo): Orchestra dress rehearsal number two - also the first and only time we got to be in the space before opening night, which was a little nervewracking, but we did it.  Marathon of a rehearsal, but that's fine.  Time flies when you're on stage every other minute.  First was a full cue-to-cue walkthrough, no music.  The distances for our entrances and exits were WAY longer than we'd anticipated, but we adapted.  We got a curtain for our 'backstage', which was great on some levels, and caused some more hiccups in others.  After the walk-through, we did a bit of soundchecking with the orchestra, and then the dress rehearsal officially began.  Again, some hiccups here and there, but nothing insurmountable, and we fixed things as we could.  Lots of communicating through side-glances and subtle elbow movements.  On the plus side, the music went remarkably well - we stayed together without many problems and even remembered most of our dynamics.

Tonight is the orchestra dress rehearsal for the gala concert.  I have to do my hair this afternoon, and make sure I know which dress I'm wearing, and make sure I know what all my rhythms are in the recit parts of the duet, because that was where I tripped up last time...  Then a day off, then Friday night is opening night for Suor, and the festival begins!  I can't believe we're this far in, it feels like no time at all has passed.

opera summer 2017, #6

Alright, catching up over the last couple days ...

Day 17 (Monday evening, Suor): we started by going over all the rough spots and solidifying them.  The spot I needed to work on the most was the food props, making sure I gave them weight.  I'm finding it tough, especially moving them quickly enough to use them all as I need to.  I am going to practice with things at home that weigh about as much as the actual food in question would, then switch to a lighter container and try to keep the same feel.  After working on those rough spots, we took a short break and then did the full run, which went well.  Feeling like it's in a good place.

Day 18 (Wednesday afternoon, coaching): this went extremely well.  Romeo and I are really starting to click, and we got a lot working right.  we focused on breathing together, actually hearing each other (not just hearing the music and counting), and the subtext of the music, and letting all that effect us.  We're both nearly off-book and really responding well to each other.  I'm seriously looking forward to putting this on its feet, and especially getting to do it with orchestra.  (Also found out that this is a gowns and suits night.  I'm always stoked to get to wear a gown. :D)  After the coaching, I went to get pictures taken for the programs - one standard headshot, and one headshot in my Suor costume.  First time I got to see and put on my costume!

Day 18 (Wednesday evening, Suor): Sitzprobe! This was neat.  I don't think I've ever really done a proper Sitzprobe before - usually we've been short on time and so it's had to be a Wandleprobe.  The point of the Sitz is to let the orchestra hear what we're supposed to sound like in a controlled environment, before we all start walking around and not looking at the conductor, etc etc.  (Especially in this case, where the orchestra and conductor are both behind us.)  It went well on the whole: a few bits were awkward and we had to re-do them, and the finale will be very interesting once we add the distance in (we're singing from the back of the church).  It is also always interesting to me working with an orchestra instead of a piano - the conducting always feels like it's a little bit different.  I really liked having the opportunity to feel it out without having to think about movement.

Tonight is the Idomeneo Sitzprobe, with an hour at the top of the evening to go over the chorus staging again.  I'm glad we've got the hour - I feel like we probably need it.  I know I do.  Then tomorrow night we have a full run of Idomeneo, and Saturday night is the Suor Wandleprobe.  First time in the space - it'll be interesting ...

opera summer 2017, #5

Whoops, it's been nearly two weeks since I added to this.  How time flies ...  These past couple weeks have been less rehearsal-heavy for me, as a lot of the rehearsal time has been given to Gianni Schicchi (which I'm not in at all) and the Idomeneo principals.

Day 9 (Tuesday evening, Suor): first full run! went quite well for the first go.  definitely need to work on the bits where we sing from the back. after the run was finished, we worked on one of those singing-from-the-back scenes.

Day 10 (Thursday evening, Suor): some reworking of staging since one of our singers had to take on a new role. then more working of the finale, again a spot where we sing from the back. hard to line up, man.

Day 11 (Saturday morning, Suor): run-through again! this is a special run-through - we've fixed up the new staging with the singer who is filling in the role I mentioned before - AND WE FINALLY HAVE OUR PRINCESS! the first part of rehearsal was the Zia Principessa and Suor Angelica doing their scenes, then we added the Abbess in for her scene with them, then we ran the ACTUAL whole thing for the very first time.  (we were short one soloist, and everyone kinda blanked that we were short the soloist until we got to her scene, and so Suor Angelica helped an invisible and silent nurse ... we were all rather amused)

Day 12 (Sunday morning, Opera 360): coaching on the Romeo and Juliet duet I'm doing for the gala concert. went really well. a few spots of interesting tempo, and matching up rits is always a fun exercise, but we got through it without problems and I at least know what I need to work on.  it's gonna be really good.

Day 12 (Sunday evening, Idomeneo): run of the chorus music, then into staging more of act 1. it's a slow process, there are a lot of us and we all have to look 'natural', so it's not a situation where we can get regimented specific staging.  we also don't have a lot of space to work with, or levels, which narrows staging options further.  supposed to be off-book for this rehearsal.  getting there.  the numbers we did that night I had 95% off-book - mostly just forgetting a word here and there. however, we entirely bombed the chorus soloists' quartet.  good thing we would work on it the day after on our own ...

Day 13 (Monday afternoon, Idomeneo): quick coaching on the chorus solo/quartet bits. unfortunately we didn't have our tenor (I suspect he was working on the children's opera at the time), but we got some good work done anyway.  we all feel more secure on the quartet section which really tripped us up in the staging rehearsal on the 30th.  lots of starting on off-beats, and we're spread out across the stage at that point as well, which will throw anyone off.

Day 14 (Thursday evening, Idomeneo): back to staging - from mid-Act I to the end of the show. I learned very quickly that the Act I finale was not NEARLY as solid in my head as I thought it was: oops.  on the flip side, one of the numbers I thought for sure I was going to be a memory disaster on went without a hitch!  still struggling to remember staging which is very similar in most scenes, but it will come with time and repetition.

Day 15 (Saturday afternoon, Suor): haven't done Suor for a week! time to get back to it! this run-through was a bit awkward, as you'd expect for coming back to it after a week of not having it in rehearsal - a few tempo issues which need to be remembered (trust your eyes, never your ears), some awkward staging which we worked on again, but we got through the whole thing without crashing and burning, so I'm quite happy about that. also I had almost all my performance props at this rehearsal, which is super useful!  I need to remember, though, that a bag of flour is heavy, regardless of the fact that the prop bag of flour is actually full of paper...

Day 16 (Sunday afternoon, Idomeneo): stumble-through! this was the true test of our memory: how much of the staging from a week ago or more do we remember? we got most of it. there were a handful of awkward "which number is this again" moments, but everything got ironed out. we also added the inter-scene dialogue to this run, which added a few snags, but again, all got worked out. one of my jobs today will be to go through the show's script and write in my blocking, then when I see my fellow chorus soloists on ... Thursday ... I will double-check it with them during the break.  Thursday is a Sitzprobe (first rehearsal with orchestra, no staging, just concert-style), so we will have time to compare notes.


this week and next are the last weeks of rehearsal before we open all these various shows.  tonight, I have a full run of Suor again (actually we'll probably run it twice plus working on rough bits): we're now well into the finessing and detail work. how do our gestures fit into our characters?  are we actually communicating what we think we are?  on the flip side: have we gotten complacent?  are we doing the same thing every time because it's what worked before?  are we actually IN the performance?

I still feel like I have a lot of work to do for Idomeneo.  my character has evolved into a 'watcher' character, along with the other soloists' characters.  we are mainly neutral, helping the story along, involved but not quite invested. it's an interesting line to play, but it's really easy to look too disinterested.  I need to spend some time thinking about how i can communicate the distance my character has from the goings-on without seeming too aloof.

tomorrow i have the evening off, and i'll be having a handful of fellow singers over for a couple hours of fun planning for our little gaming group, before probably taking a bubble bath and relaxing before tech week officially starts:

• Wednesday afternoon: another coaching for the Romeo & Juliet duet, plus a photo call for the program (need pictures of all of us in our costumes, plus regular headshots)
• Wednesday night: Suor Sitzprobe (with orchestra, without staging)
• Thursday night: Idomeneo Sitzprobe
• Friday night: room run for Idomeneo (full run-through, not in the space yet, I don't think we have orchestra?)
• Saturday night: Suor Wandleprobe (with orchestra, with staging - possibly in the space?)
• Sunday afternoon: there's a Suor call, must be for touch-ups...
• Sunday evening: Idomeneo Wandleprobe (I think we finally get into the space!)
• Monday evening: Suor orchestra dress rehearsal
• Tuesday evening: Idomeneo orchestra dress rehearsal 

then two days off...then performances start on Friday!

opera summer 2017, #4

I actually have days off this week!  It's a miracle!  (no, Emily, it's just balancing out from last week.)  This is great, because I have a duet to work on that is definitely in the crunch-time category ... and also need to be off-book on the Mozart by Sunday ... y'know, no big.

Day 7, part 2 (Saturday afternoon, Suor): This was a focused session with myself and Sister Angelica, playing with and fine-tuning the scene where I announce the carriage has arrived and Angelica freaks out just a little bit.  (A lot.  But quietly!)  So we ran the scene  - which is ... four pages of music?  maybe a little more?  my score's in my office and I can't be bothered to move - something like a dozen times, starting with the rough staging and character decisions we'd worked out in the larger rehearsals, then narrowing our choices down, talking about what's being communicated and what isn't and how to tweak that, trying different choices, etc.  Do I clue into how high the stakes are for Angelica?  If so, when?  And when does Angelica really realize this might be her family?  How do I react to Angelica getting right up in my face, asking about the inside of the carriage (which I have no way of knowing about)?  How does Angelica react when she doesn't get the information she wants - and when she drives me away?  Repeating the scene with all these minor changes not only helps us feel what's right for our interpretations of the characters, but also what feels right with the music - and, of course, solidifies our synchronicity with the music.

Day 8 (Sunday evening, Idomeneo): Another run-through of all the chorus numbers.  We had both the bass and soprano soloists this week, so the quartet sections went much better this time, and everyone was tighter in general.  After we worked on the music for about an hour and a half, we took a short break, then got into staging.  The area we'll be playing this in isn't a typical auditorium or hall space: we're working with an open-concept rock garden sort of idea, and we'll all basically be on stage at all times (or at least visible to the audience at all times).  This makes it awfully hard to tape out on the floor of our staging building, for one, and also means that it's really hard to actually know where we'll be at any given time.  The staging will, be necessity, be loose.  I'm okay with this: as long as we have clear intentions, the movement should follow.  It is a little nerve-wracking though.  We also talked about setting and costuming.  The director is moving the story forward to near-present day Greece, bringing to mind the refugee crises in the area today.  This is going to be very interesting ... 

Tonight we have another full run of Suor followed by some more scene work.  Four hour rehearsal instead of three.  Today, I'm working on getting the Mozart off-book and also solidifying the Gounod duet.  

opera summer 2017, #3

Time sure flies when you have rehearsal every night.  zzzz .... 

Since last I wrote, I've had ... four rehearsals.  I think.  (coming back after writing: yes, four.)

Day 4 (Wednesday evening, Suor): staging the finale.  We have a short entrance and exit - most of us go out to the cemetery a little earlier in the show, so now we come back in, notice Sister Angelica is having A Moment, and we reassure her that her prayers are being heard and then we go offstage to bed.  (Actually we go offstage, sing a little bit, and then run around the outside of the church to go be angels at the back.  But there's 10 pages of music in between, so it's more of a relaxed saunter.  In nun habits.  In downtown Winnipeg.  We're gonna giggle the whole time.)  Then we have the lovely challenge of singing from the back of a church with the orchestra and soloist at the front of the church.  It's already a pain in the church we're staging in, but at least we have the ability to be as far back as we will be on the actual set - the building is shaped differently, so it doesn't quite give us the real deal, but it's a good exercise in watch the conductor's hands, don't use your ears.  It's really hard.  But we'll do it.

Day 5 (Thursday evening, Idomeneo): ahahahahahaha this was such a train wreck in so many places for me.  I knew some of the chorus numbers better than others, sure, but I definitely thought I had more of it down than I proved to.  I wasn't the only one.  It seems to be a bit of a theme - the first time you run Mozart chorus pieces, literally everything falls apart at the seams, we laugh at ourselves for a couple minutes, and then we run it again a couple times and it makes much more sense.  (The one-to-a-part quartet stuff I'm doing was 500% a train wreck ... partially because we were missing the soprano and the bass, partially because of the Mozart effect, and just partially because I need to learn my part better.)  On the plus side, though, once we all got our shit together we sound quite good.  The blend is nice.  We're gonna sound even better once we sing all the right pitches - and the right words.  Mozart scores are hell, especially the less-popular ones.  There are five million editions and a bunch of them have German overtop of the Italian in the score (a lot of German opera houses don't do operas in Italian; they do them in translation, in German - and guess where Mozart was from ... ), and the Italian in italics (ha) and often smaller text, and it's just a pain.  Does that read "ci"? "ei"? "vi"?  who the fuck knows.  (we do, now that we've gone through all the numbers and agreed on everything.)

Day 6 (Friday evening, Suor): first stumble-through!  Still no last principal, so we skipped the bit in the middle, but we successfully made it to the end of the opera without any derailments so massive we actually had to stop.  So that was good.  I personally completely effed up a couple things, but on the other hand a few things I'd been fighting with went off without a hitch, so I was happy with it.  Then I went home to bed.  

Day 7 (Saturday morning, Suor): we are now in the finessing stage.  We have the basic skeleton of the staging down (with the obvious exception of the section in the middle), so now we're going through scenes several times over and fixing what doesn't feel right, working out details, and above all paying close attention to text.  Everyone is 90-95% off book now, so we can focus on where we're going and where we're actually looking - who are we talking to? what are we talking about?  We got the note last night that we need to remember how we know things ... i.e., we know things because we saw them.  You can't relay information without first having that information, and that's a really easy thing to forget when you're on stage and you, as an actor, already know the show.  You know what has already happened, and what's going to happen because of it.  But you, as a character, do not know what's going to happen - and you don't know what's already happened to anyone but yourself (if you haven't already seen it).  I have to remember that I saw the carriage outside before I can ask about it, and I don't know already that this carriage is Sister Angelica's aunt.  It's not Big News for me - it's just a curiosity.  Don't give away the plot before it happens!  The audience wants to participate in a story, not a lecture.

I'm on a short break right now before going back for more specific one-on-one work later this afternoon.  I think I'm going to have a nap ... 

opera summer 2017, #2

I realized at some point since I posted last that I forgot to mention a super important part of score study: markings.  Tempo, dynamics, articulations, all that.  (The reason I forgot is because this is still the bit I don't do nearly enough.)  This is another reason to watch/listen to performances, because some of these things ... aren't actually written in.  They're just done that way.  Some scores, what you see is what you get; some scores, there's a whole slough of performance practice things that aren't written in, and you gotta find out or else you're gonna look a little dumb.  (If you're a newbie you don't usually get in much trouble, but you better fix it fast.)  This also applies to how much rit. you do in this particular measure, or how much freedom you get in this specific col canto, or how long this tenuto is, etc etc etc.  This is especially true for composers like Puccini.  You gotta listen, man.  You gotta.

Anyway.  Since last I wrote I had one more rehearsal...

Day 3 (Tuesday, Suor Angelica): picked up where we left off, staging the scene where I announce a fancy-ass coach is outside the gate, and everyone gets their knickers in a twist wondering who it might be.  Straight-forward staging.  We also reworked the opening scene and one other, since we had a singer drop out for health reasons (and also reworking things is important for us to remember them).  We got some notes on how to sound more like an angelic choir in the first scene (clean, early cutoffs, prep your vowels early, as much breath support as possible, be gentle with articulators bc there's a dozen sopranos singing more or less in unison and if we're not gentle we'll blow everyone away whether we try to or not), and I worked with the vocal coach on my solo lines (figuring out how to get my open o's after w-glides into my soft palate, 'cause right now they're slipping back into my throat and sounding old - one of those things that sounds good in my ears when I'm singing it, but doesn't translate well - also cleaning up a couple entrances and making sure of doubled consonants).

Tonight we are moving forward to the end of the opera, because our remaining principal still isn't in town.  So: finale chorus stuff.  I need to look over the page numbers and make sure I know what I'm doing - I marked one divisi part down wrong in my score so I need to go over what I'm actually supposed to be singing.  Then tomorrow night I start rehearsal for the other opera I'm working on, Idomeneo - and I need to look at all that again today too, as well as a stand-in solo bit that the music director asked me to do yesterday.  That'll be fun.

opera summer 2017, #1

A couple of people in my life have asked what exactly it is I do when I'm 'at rehearsal' ... and it's a fair question.  I never really realised just how mysterious opera is - just 'cause I'm in the middle of it, I guess.

Prior to day one of rehearsals... I got my scores a couple months ago, and began learning my parts.  I don't have a lot to sing in the operas I'm doing this summer - I'm not doing a major role - so the process isn't quite as long and involved as it is for some of my friends.  For me, the process was:

• read up on the opera - what's the plot, who are the characters, who am I? also, when was it written, anything interesting happening for the composer at the time, was it written for anyone in specific...
• read through the libretto - get a better sense of the nuances of the story/characters (also: are there any stage directions included?)
• watch a production (if any exist - if not, listen to a recording) - mainly to get a sense for the orchestration
• translate my scenes (presuming the opera isn't in English, which is usually the case) - it's great to have a couple of complete translations on hand, but it's a good idea to translate your own lines (and the people you're talking to/with) yourself so you know what each of the words you say mean ... translation's tricky because language is tricky, you gotta have as much information as you can
• write my lines out phonetically - you gotta sound like you know what you're talking about in more ways than one ... Nico Castell's books are a really great resource for this, especially for checking what's academically correct versus what's typically done.  diction often gets tweaked to make words more intelligible, easier to sing, more impactful, but that's later in the rehearsal/coaching process.
• usually by this point I remember more or less what I'm saying when, but if not the next step is getting comfortable enough with just the text that I remember.  repetition of the text both in the original language and in a comprehensible English translation of my own.  this is the remember-the-thoughts step.
• start adding the music.  I do more repetition of the text in the contour of the line, but not precisely on pitch, to match the verbal thought with the musical thought.  eventually you add the actual pitches and rhythms.
• if I were working on a role, I'd book sessions with a vocal coach where we'd work on putting the whole thing together, especially working on any arias.  looking at effective characterisation, starting to find those spots to tweak diction, looking at places to tweak technique.  since I only have small solo parts, there's time in the rehearsal process to get notes from the vocal coach and work them in then.  (I am doing a duet which I'll do some coaching on, though, over the next couple weeks.)

Once all that is done I'm ready to move into the rehearsal process!  :D

Day 1 (Saturday, Suor Angelica): we started with a sing-through of the whole opera, stopping and fixing spots that didn't quite work for one reason or another.  (also the place to double-check any divided sections for chorus parts.)  Since Suor Angelica is only about an hour long, we sang through the whole thing, got some general notes on diction and technique from the vocal coach, and then took a short break.  After the break, the director walked us through where things would be on the set and talked to us a bit about the ideas she had for the production.  Then we started staging the first scene.  This basically means we go where the director tells us to, and we run the scene several times to make sure the spacing/timing works and everyone knows where they're supposed to go.  After this first session (2pm to 5pm) I was released - turned out I wasn't needed for the second rehearsal (7pm to 10pm), where they were staging the second scene.

Day 2 (Sunday, Suor again): yesterday evening we had one rehearsal, 7pm to 10pm again.  We staged the next three scenes; I was in the last scene.  Again we started with a sing-through and had more detailed notes/fixing time.  While the chorus and a couple of the principals worked on staging the first scene for the day, I and another smaller role went off with the vocal coach to get some specific notes on our scenes, which were the second and third scenes to be done.  Then they staged the second scene, and then my scene.  I already have stand-in props for my scene (I bring in a crate of food), which is cool: often you don't get props until pretty close to showtime.  Granted, they're not the actual props yet, but at least I have the crate and things to pick up, which really helps to get used to moving things around while I'm singing.  After we finished staging, we had more vocal notes, and then the evening was done.

Today I don't have rehearsal, it's a day off.  My job today is to go over the bits I had trouble with in the past couple days: there are a couple entrances I'm having trouble finding, and a couple notes that aren't as steady as I hoped.  Tomorrow we'll be staging the second scene I'm in, and probably a couple more that I'm not in ... and after that, all my work is chorus in this opera, so I might have another day off in between?  I know one of our leads isn't in Winnipeg yet, she was finishing another role elsewhere I believe, and I know she has a couple scenes that will need to be staged.  I don't know if we're going to jump ahead to the chorus-heavy scenes first and then loop back to her - it'll depend on when she arrives, obviously.  And rehearsals will start for the other opera I'm in next week, I believe (need to double-check).  

I'm going to update at least once every couple days - every morning, if I can.  I was thinking originally I'd vlog, but taking a while to write is easier for me than editing video, so unless I get inspired I think I'll stick with text.  I'll see if I can grab a couple pictures while I'm not actively staging, but phones are, ah, strongly discouraged in the rehearsal hall.  XD  

Christmas wishlist 2014

Hello friends!  I do a post like this once or twice a year, just in case anyone is looking for present ideas for me, so: Are you a gift-giving type?  Do I happen to be on your Christmas list?  Are you short on ideas?  Well look no further: here is my current list of things I am saving up for ...

These are not terribly expensive gifts, each costing about $25 before shipping from these retailers - and of course you could get them from a brick-and-mortar shop too:
The G. Schirmer Soprano Arias collection:
Opera Arias I
Opera Arias II
Oratorio Arias

Have some cash to drop?  These are pricier things, ranging from $50 to $200:
a Blue Yeti microphone
a set of any of the following headphones:
Audio-Technica ATH-M50s, Sennheiser 380 Pros, or AKG K44s

And that's pretty much it.  I'm also happy to accept food.  Because food is expensive.

Christmas wishlist 2012

Hi.

If you're reading this, I presume you're my friend.  If you're not, let's be friends.  :)  Also, if you haven't left after the title, I presume that you're curious about what sort of things I might be looking to acquire.  Usually, my Christmas lists are built over the course of the year, as I note things that make me think, "hm, I think I may buy that at some point when I have the disposable income to do so". I keep said list on my phone, so that when my birthday and Christmas roll around, I have something to tell people who say "you are impossible to find gifts for!"

So, if you are looking to give me a gift this Christmas, and are still lost in pondering what would be suitable, please take this list and use it as you may.  :)  And please remember that hugs (even Internet ones) and appreciation for my work and art are always appreciated - or just ask me out for coffee!  It's all good.

• The Art of Building Worlds (ISBN 9780857685629)
• Lunatic Heroes: Memories, Lies, and Reflections (ISBN 9780988230002)
• The Cole Protocol (ISBN 9780765354723)
• American Gods (ISBN 9780062059888)
• Ghosts of Onyx (ISBN 9780765354709)
• Quiet: The Power of Introverts (ISBN 9780307352149)
• The Thursday War (ISBN 9780765323941)
• other books that look interesting (I tend towards sci-fi, historical/realistic fiction, fantasy, mystery ... )
• Kanaya Maryam troll tee (women's large)
• Homestuck music - vol. 9, Symphony Impossible to Play, coloUrs and mayhem: Universe A, Song of Skaia, vol. 6
• That Dame is Bad News print
• a pastry cutter
• French rolling pin
• small gold hoop earrings (and they really do have to be gold as they will be staying in my ears indefinitely)
• this gorgeous crane gaiwan
• music books! my own set of Schubert editions would be lovely, you know, if you had several hundred dollars to drop.  :P 

So there you have it.  My cumulative list over 2012. Again - coffee and a chat is just as wonderful ...

Self-insertion and its quandaries

I have never conceived of my Shepard as myself.  Perhaps an extremely idealized version of myself in some ways - the “this is what I would choose if I were in this situation” mentality.  A lot of my personal traits crop up in my Shepard, magnified: the desire to do good, exasperation at ignorance, a carefully held-back desire to knock people’s heads together when they’re being stupid …

But my Shepard was not me.  There was something fundamentally not-me about her, and I thought that was one of the reasons I loved her so much: she was me, and not-me, and a powerful woman to whom, in some backwards way, since I ‘made’ her, I could look up.

And then I went to IMC this week [a few weeks ago] (the International Music Camp), where I interned with the drama instructors, and the coordinator described me thusly: “someone who has a wonderful “what more can I do?” attitude.”  I was touched, since I hadn’t felt like I was doing much more than what I considered my job.

I was in my car, listening to “M4 (Part II)”, by Faunts, which plays at the end of the first Mass Effect, and which always gets me thinking about my ME Shepard OTP (which is Shakarian in case you’ve been under a rock :P).  Mass Effect, and Commander Shepard, and all the other characters in this vast amazing universe, often get me thinking about life and its meaning and our place in the universe …

and then those sentences popped into my head.  ”What more can I do?” … and then, “This is my job.”

I realized that those two sentences described my Shepard perfectly. She sees it as her job to do everything in her power to make the universe a better place.  And I sort of feel like that’s my job, too, as an artist and as a human being.

Suddenly I had universes colliding, and I had a moment of mental vertigo. Commander Shepard - my Commander Shepard - was never really meant to be me. But she is me, in a way.  In many ways.

Or, perhaps, she is a woman whom I would like to resemble in some ways as I grow older and mature.

I think we see ourselves in all well-crafted characters, and so I can’t say I’m terribly surprised that I’ve started seeing Shepard in myself, and myself in Shepard.    But the way it happened … was just so … backwards.

Alright, musings over.  (Not really.  There will be/have been more.  Just not here.)

some thoughts on marriage

Preface: I've been in a relationship for just over four and a half years now, and have probably thought about marriage way more than a lot of people do in day-to-day life.  I'm just now starting to puzzle out what marriage means to me, and write a little bit of that down.  You're free to disagree with me, of course.  I think the meaning of marriage can differ depending on your personal situation, your culture/history, etc.  So these are the thoughts of one Caucasian, Canadian, Christian woman nearing the end of her teens.  They may or may not apply to you, and that's okay.

What is marriage, anyway?  A commitment between two people to be the other's partner, companion, friend - a promise to seek to fill the other's needs, directly or indirectly; a promise to guard and protect the other; a promise to love, cherish, adore, and respect the other as an individual - to uphold them with respect and love through any means possible. Marriage is a commitment to be steadfast when the other is weak, to love unconditionally through all the different permutations of love and life, to stand between the other and the world if they need a shield, or to have their back when they take on the world.

Marriage is accepting that it's never going to be perfect, but you want the other at your side, at your back, taking point, through all the imperfections.  Marriage is choosing to put the other first, and trusting that the other has your best interests at heart, and will do the same.  Marriage is trusting the other with every aspect of your life.

Marriage is living with a friend, near or far, physically and mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  Marriage is knowing the other is thinking about you.  Marriage is choosing to take on the world as a pair, rather than alone.

domesticity (or rather, the connotations thereof)

Domesticity is a funny word.  Does it mean powerlessness, or empowerment?  I suppose it depends on your personal bent.  I think it can be either.  For the person who needs to be out and about, domesticity can be deadly to the spirit; for the person who seeks a home ground, a safe haven, a place of their own design, then domesticity can be a godsend.

But don't we all want a home?  I would argue yes, but I would also put forward that home can have many definitions.  Home is where the heart is, after all, and if your heart belongs on the road, or on the sea, then a bungalow with a white picket fence just won't do.

How does one seek their home?  I have always sought escape.  From where, what - life? responsibilities? anxiety? depression? yes.  To where, what? ... Good question.  Isolation.  Art.  Intelligence.  A place where I am unafraid.  That is home - where you are unafraid to express yourself.  

I wonder how many artists are ever truly home, in their heart of hearts, in their soul.  

There is beauty in so many things.  There are no confines to beauty.  On beauty.  Beauty has no limits.  We see beauty differently.  And isn't that terrifying?

applesauce

My man has left for his parents’ house. He will be staying there for the week, while he works the first third of his practicum with a construction company based in that particular town. He will be back here for the weekend. Then he will leave for Winnipeg, and do the same thing. Then he will come back. And then he will leave again, for who knows where. And then he will come back.

And if all goes well, and things work out, he will have a permanent job with this particular company for the next few years while he finishes his apprenticeship. If that goes well, he will become a Red Seal carpenter (if that’s how you say it) and will be able to work anywhere in Canada. (And then he will leave, and build things in various places, and I will stay, and I will sing.)

He walked out the door thirty minutes ago. (For those of you who can’t read between the lines: I miss him like you wouldn’t believe.)

So I’m sitting at his computer, eating applesauce, trying to decide if I’m going to follow him to his parents’ place for the afternoon (a forty-five-minute drive), and spend the next few hours with three raucous children, his very British parents, and his even more British grandmother (who will no doubt ask us very bluntly, but with the best of intentions, when we’re finally planning on getting married), and him.

It’s been an iffy weekend. The chances of my getting a job that will allow me to take time off for my prior commitments (a couple days in May, a week in June, possibly two weeks in August) are looking more and more slim as the days go by. I’ve not been sleeping well. He and I have been snapping at each other more often than not. I spent 90 minutes dancing last night (and I don’t dance), so my legs and feet are killing me (but my heart is thanking me!).

I’m tired and I’d really rather have a nap. But on the other hand, this applesauce, though it cheered me up considerably yesterday (I love applesauce), is simply not doing the trick, and spending Sunday afternoon on my own is more likely going to send me into a spiral of depression than give me any real rest. I have no idea whether spending the afternoon in a house which will possibly be very loud, and will certainly have two dogs in it (I don’t like dogs), will be much better, but there will at least be him …

Does that make up for everything else? Some days it does. Some days I wish he could read my mind. Some days I wish he would go far away (and then come back). But more often than not, as the years go by (four and a half last week), I wish I had him right beside me.

yeah yeah, I know, mushy crap, blah blah.

“You’d think people would have had enough of silly love songs.”

“I look around and see it isn’t so.”

“Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs … “

“Well what’s wrong with that, I’d like to know - ‘cause here I go again … “

Internet-famous

I talked about being famous on the Internet ages ago, here on my blog.  I've been pondering it again lately.

Wil Wheaton discussed, here, some of his thoughts on being Internet-famous.  One of his thoughts particularly struck me:

I’m incredibly grateful that I get to do more with my work than just make things, and when she meets a real celebrity, instead of someone who’s just Internet Famous like I am, I hope they’re awesome to her.

And I have to disagree with him just a little bit.  I think that people who are famous on the Internet are the real celebrities.  This is because they are considerably more real.  There are a handful of people whom I follow on the Internet - Wil Wheaton, Neil Gaiman, Amanda Palmer - who I would certainly consider 'celebrities', but I wouldn't consider them 'fake' celebrities.  

I feel incredibly special when I have a chance to interact with any of these people.  I feel very encouraged by the fact that these people, whom I respect both as people and as artists, take the time to reply to people on Twitter, or take the time to reply in the way Wil did.  

An example from my own life.

Earlier today, I tweeted the following:

pondering how to walk toward the mountain. sometimes @neilhimself is an inspiration, sometimes a bit more "well now what do I do" ...

in response to this:

Just make sure you’re walking towards the mountain, all the time.

I'm currently two years into my undergraduate degree in vocal performance.  I'm trying to find a job for this summer, so I can pay for a place to live.  I've landed an unpaid week-long internship at a drama/improv camp, which is wonderful for me and teaches me LOADS, but the rest of my summer is pretty open.  It's very difficult for me to do 'gigs', per se, because I am a classical singer ... I sing Schubert, Verdi, Britten, Fauré, etc.  I sing big, classical pieces in languages that aren't spoken where I live.  This isn't exactly something that's in huge demand.

What else do I do?  I love to act.  I have no credentials.  I live in a teeny little town.  I love to write.  I should just DO it more often.

/endwhinybit.  Sorry.

So I'm feeling stuck.  I need a job that will fund my studies; I need to walk towards the mountain.

Neil replied to me about an hour ago:

@Kaylotta Nobody said it was easy. But as advice, it might help...

to which I replied:

@neilhimself Sure, never easy. It shouldn't be easy. :) just figuring out how can be a bit of a mindbender.

I've never been under the impression that my life would be easy.  (Some days I would sure like it to be, but hey.)  It just seems to be a big fight to do what I love (classical singing) and still eat.

someday.  someday.

Anyway!  My original point with that was that even though Neil's advice was hard for me to take, as I've been trying to land jobs that really had little to do with what I want to do for a living, I still felt very special that he would take the time - not more than thirty seconds - to reply to me.  Especially when my tweet would have been buried four hours down his timeline!  To my mind, that sort of thing shows an incredible devotion to the people who care about one's art, and that is, I think, one of the best qualities that a 'famous' artist can have, whatever the medium.

This still leaves me in the difficult position of not quite knowing whether I'm taking good steps with my life.  *ponders the mountain*

IMC, day 4

Wednesday started to get crazy.  I spent a lot of time running around, and got inducted into a group as one of the campers had to return home.  I also rehearsed with my pianist, who only seemed to get fast or slow tempi (a bit annoying but she had all of a day to get the piece down), and then performed in the evening.

The performance went rather well.  I did not sing as well as I had in rehearsal (I think I was nervous), but in the recording my running out of breath just sounds like a really, really effective decrescendo/crescendo.  So that was nice.  I got a lot of compliments from the campers, some of whom were just stunned by my vocal ability, which was really touching.  I'm not the best by any means, but open praise from people who admire me is a great boost for me.

I also taught some really simple vocal technique to the kids yesterday - the natural position of the spine, what your diaphragm does, how your head should sit on your shoulders and where your shoulders should hang ... the really, really simple stuff.  Apparently I did a good job, because the kids' vocal production got at least three times better in the space of about half an hour.  Sometimes it's nice to teach ... 

The one-man performance by one of the drama instructors was really interesting.  It was an autobiographical story involving himself, NFL quarterback John Elway, and the instructor's alcoholic father.  It was profound, funny and touching, and I really enjoyed it.  

Ach, I think I have more to write, but I'm forgetting in my haste.  I have work to do before the next session starts at one, and I'm leading that session, and then my boyfriend is coming out to visit ... go go go, Emily, and don't melt in the heat!

IMC, day 3

Today had a bit more movement to it.  

I helped out with image theatre and stage combat, fitting in where the groups were odd-numbered, and I kept order during the rehearsal for the musical number.  I pressed Play often during the Silent Scene rehearsal, and wrote notes during the poetry rehearsal, and planned my warm-ups for Friday.  I went over the warm-ups once, to make sure they were 20 minutes, and I found a pianist for tomorrow night.  

I don't count as faculty here, so I can't perform at the faculty recital, and I didn't bother asking if I could perform at the student talent night (I'm not a camper, it's their place).  The drama instructors think I ought to perform somewhere, so they've asked me to perform tomorrow night when one of the instructors does a one-man show.  So yeah!  I'm singing The Girl in 14G - hopefully I'll be awake and warmed-up enough to hit the high notes in quick succession.  :)  Even if I don't I'm sure they'll think it's good.  I'm feeling pretty confident.

I also helped out a bit with the choosing of the groups for the showcase, and I will be doing sectionals for the musical number to help with simple vocal technique.  I'm looking forward to that, although I'm a bit nervous about it.  I don't want to teach too much, but I don't want to let them go without things that will help them.  Fingers crossed ... 

I am very, very tired, so I think I am going to go to bed early tonight.  Maybe go read for a bit ... 

IMC, day 2

Monday was pretty calm.  Woke up a bit later than I meant to, but it worked out okay.  It turns out that there are more people here at camp who remember me than I thought there would be - there are at least five or six campers who were at camp when I was, which was pretty cool.  A couple of them did a bit of a freak-out when they saw me in the breakfast line, which I found kinda touching.  :)

After breakfast, I met up with the instructors one-by-one, and we all touched base, said hello, nice to see you again, etc.  This morning, I ended up helping out with the stage combat workshop, and then being a tech for a large group activity (I pressed Play, and Stop, in succession).  Good to learn the ropes ... and to find that I haven't forgotten all the stuff I learned when I was here, three/four years ago ... sheesh, I feel kinda old now.  That's weird.

I had lunch with my friends, feeling distinctly at-home in the drama-camp atmosphere (about time I came back here, it feels so good), and then had a short break where I untangled all my necklaces.  The afternoon consisted of helping out with an image theatre workshop (acting with senses and such, exploring the human mind as it relates to the body) and then observing another large group activity.  I then stapled music together, figured out part of the piano accompaniment to said music, and went to dinner.  Dinner is served absurdly early here ... the faculty eats at 4.45, the campers at 5.  It's so that we have one more hour of class/rehearsal before the evening activities, but still, you end up hungry again ...

I had dinner with the faculty (which is really weird after you've been a camper ... not waiting in line?  what?), and then went to the staff lounge (sheesh, it's like I work here or something) to see if I could get some Internet going.  My laptop's wireless card is dead as a doornail, so I have to plug a LAN cable in somewhere.  Luckily I managed it, and it really only depends on whether or not someone is using the communal desktop, which is easily worked around.  So many people here have laptops - there are nine in the room right now, as I type.  It's crazy.  We're all connected, even out here.

I found out, during my brief stint on the Interwebs, that I may have a job lined up for July and August, living with my grandmother a couple hours north of where I am now.  It's probably my best bet for a job right now, as I kind of doubt I will be able to land anything when I go back to Winnipeg at last, but I was given so few details that I don't want to say an unqualified yes.

The final hour of class today was the introduction and learning of the group musical number (the music which I stapled earlier), which went quite well ... not too surprising, as probably 90% of the drama kids already knew it rather well.  It's Seasons of Love, from Rent ("Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes ... " etc).

After that final hour of class, I went back to the faculty lounge (where I sit now) and called my grandmother via Skype (long-distance pay-phone fees are exorbitant) to get more details about this potential job ... and of course she was not there, or did not hear the phone.  I left a message and said I'd call back.  So I will.  Soon.  I'm not exactly looking forward to the reaction of my younger sisters, if I end up getting this job - they will not be impressed that I may not be coming home this summer ...

VISI, day 24/IMC, day 1

Sunday was crazy on several levels.

The airport in the morning was terrible.  I arrived an hour and a half before my flight - cutting it close, but who's flying early on a Sunday morning?  Answer: everyone who takes forever to go through a line.  I waited in lines and got rerouted until 9.10 ... which was ten minutes before my plane was supposed to take off.  During that time, I had to make a frantic phonecall home, as I was going to be stuck if I couldn't pay the fine for my extra bag (which was more than I had originally been told to pay, which was the number I had planned for).  I ran to security, waited another five minutes, and then of course had my bag searched, because it was full of electronics.  I bolted to the gate.  They'd held it over for me.  I boarded the plane a few minutes after it was supposed to take off, and of course I happened to be sitting in a wing seat, so they had to take a minute to explain the emergency exit procedure, and then we finally took off.

The flight was uneventful, apart from the very friendly Japanese man beside me who thought that everything in the movie he was watching was hilarious, and therefore never stopped laughing or sighing or making little noises of approval ... you know.  Which is fine.  In moderation.  He never stopped.  I had my headphones on most of the way, but it was still a bit of a sticking point ...

Upon arriving in Winnipeg and greeting my family (and friends who had come), I was informed that my luggage had not made it onto the plane that I had boarded, and was coming on the next flight from Vancouver.  Sigh.  I decided to wait, rather than have it shipped to me out at the border, so we waited until six ... and then left Winnipeg at seven ... for a three-hour drive.  My boyfriend had agreed to take me out to the camp I was working at for this week, so that we'd have time to talk - that way, my parents didn't have to pile the kids into the car for a six-hour drive, nor did they have to use extra vehicles ... it worked out.  Also, my boyfriend lives relatively close to the camp (closer than my parents anyway), so there's that, too.

On the drive, he and I had a two-hour conversation about the ethics, philosophy and theory of artificial intelligence - from a purely theoretical, mostly non-scientific standpoint, since neither of us are experts in the actual scientific field.  Ethics made up a large part of the conversation - questions about the ethics involved, questions about human-AI interaction, and so on and so forth.  Not many answers to the questions, but plenty to think about.  Lots of hypotheticals thrown around, and many references to various science-fiction scenarios, ranging from the inimitable Asimov all the way to Mass Effect, Halo and Portal.  Fascinating, fascinating stuff.

Upon reaching the camp, I checked in at the main office and found my little room.  I unpacked as quickly as possible, as my roommate was rather tired, and went to bed.  I'm rooming with the creative writing intern.  She's far more qualified than I am.  XD  Oh well.

VISI, day 23

The final day of the fun ... 

I went for a short shopping excursion this morning, to find two more gifts as well as a baggage scale.  My time is very short tomorrow morning, and I do not want to spend unnecessary time repacking bags ...  My shopping was successful, and I returned home to pack.  The morning was very, very rainy, and so my hopes of going to the beach one last time were dashed ... 

... except that when I got home, the sun came out.  I rethought my schedule, and decided I had time to go to the beach.  Off I went - so quickly that I forgot my sunscreen.  Oops.  Upon arriving at the beach (the third one I chose, and the nicest), I went and walked in the water a bit.  I didn't really want to go swimming, and then try to get the seaweed out of my hair, so I just walked.  It was rather cold, and the sky had clouded over again.  I went back, leaned against a log, and read for half an hour; at that point, the sun came out, and I just lay in the sun for another half hour.  I then bussed back, did a little bit of packing, and hurried off to the music building to run through staging ... 

... only to find that they were an hour behind!  I decided to go have a shower, which I had meant to do earlier, but when I returned an hour later, I only just got there in time to rehearse my song.  Luckily it went quite well and no one seemed particularly annoyed that I hadn't shown up in time.  Oops again ... 

I stayed in my gown to make dinner, and then eat it, and then do my hair and makeup.  It's a bit of a hassle to get into, so I didn't want to have to do so again ...   The gala was wonderful.  Rather long - three and a half hours - but every minute was packed with interesting interpretation and excellent acting.  The first act was the first half of our art songs; the second act was a short staged production by several of the students in a parallel program to my own; and the third act was the second half of the art songs.  Almost all of the songs were staged (only three or four were performed in recital fashion), and they were all brilliantly conceived.  Some were hilarious, some were heartbreaking, some were somewhat disturbing ... and all were so very artistic.  :)  We had drunk men, cocktail lounge singers, marionette masters, blind women, amorous pining from both sexes, and then little moments like reminiscing about one's grandmother ... yes, that was me.

Now, after the gala, everyone else has gone off to party, and I, alas, am not old enough ... besides, I still need to finish packing.  So here I am.  Packing.  ... blogging.

VISI, day 22

Yesterday was not terribly eventful.   I thought about going shopping in the morning, but decided the schedule would be too rushed, so I stayed home and packed a bit.

Concert of French and Quebecois song at one; quite good.  Coaching at two; not bad either.  Lost my pencil, commented on it, used one of the pianist's pencils, not a problem.  A loss of a pencil is not important.

Went home, packed more, made supper.  The concert yesterday evening was a presentation of art song theatre: a performance of Songs from Spoon River, where long-dead residents of a small town talk about their lives; and a performance of That Way Goes the Game, a hilarious romp through Shakespeare where a graduate student comes to understand women by having to deal with Katherine, Lady Macbeth and Ophelia over the course of a night.  Both performances were very well done, and That Way Goes the Game was absolutely gut-busting, using Shakespearean langauge alongside modern English in ways that were really very funny.  (For instance, after Lady Macbeth pours out her soul in a re-enactment of the night of Duncan's murder, and is being comforted in her grief and guilt by Ophelia, the graduate student announces, "That is some messed-up shit."  Ba ha ha ha ha ... )

After the concert, I scurried back to the dorms, and spent an hour listening to Portal 2 quotes before falling asleep.  Yes, this was a silly idea, but it caught my brain ...