Self-insertion and its quandaries

I have never conceived of my Shepard as myself.  Perhaps an extremely idealized version of myself in some ways - the “this is what I would choose if I were in this situation” mentality.  A lot of my personal traits crop up in my Shepard, magnified: the desire to do good, exasperation at ignorance, a carefully held-back desire to knock people’s heads together when they’re being stupid …

But my Shepard was not me.  There was something fundamentally not-me about her, and I thought that was one of the reasons I loved her so much: she was me, and not-me, and a powerful woman to whom, in some backwards way, since I ‘made’ her, I could look up.

And then I went to IMC this week [a few weeks ago] (the International Music Camp), where I interned with the drama instructors, and the coordinator described me thusly: “someone who has a wonderful “what more can I do?” attitude.”  I was touched, since I hadn’t felt like I was doing much more than what I considered my job.

I was in my car, listening to “M4 (Part II)”, by Faunts, which plays at the end of the first Mass Effect, and which always gets me thinking about my ME Shepard OTP (which is Shakarian in case you’ve been under a rock :P).  Mass Effect, and Commander Shepard, and all the other characters in this vast amazing universe, often get me thinking about life and its meaning and our place in the universe …

and then those sentences popped into my head.  ”What more can I do?” … and then, “This is my job.”

I realized that those two sentences described my Shepard perfectly. She sees it as her job to do everything in her power to make the universe a better place.  And I sort of feel like that’s my job, too, as an artist and as a human being.

Suddenly I had universes colliding, and I had a moment of mental vertigo. Commander Shepard - my Commander Shepard - was never really meant to be me. But she is me, in a way.  In many ways.

Or, perhaps, she is a woman whom I would like to resemble in some ways as I grow older and mature.

I think we see ourselves in all well-crafted characters, and so I can’t say I’m terribly surprised that I’ve started seeing Shepard in myself, and myself in Shepard.    But the way it happened … was just so … backwards.

Alright, musings over.  (Not really.  There will be/have been more.  Just not here.)

domesticity (or rather, the connotations thereof)

Domesticity is a funny word.  Does it mean powerlessness, or empowerment?  I suppose it depends on your personal bent.  I think it can be either.  For the person who needs to be out and about, domesticity can be deadly to the spirit; for the person who seeks a home ground, a safe haven, a place of their own design, then domesticity can be a godsend.

But don't we all want a home?  I would argue yes, but I would also put forward that home can have many definitions.  Home is where the heart is, after all, and if your heart belongs on the road, or on the sea, then a bungalow with a white picket fence just won't do.

How does one seek their home?  I have always sought escape.  From where, what - life? responsibilities? anxiety? depression? yes.  To where, what? ... Good question.  Isolation.  Art.  Intelligence.  A place where I am unafraid.  That is home - where you are unafraid to express yourself.  

I wonder how many artists are ever truly home, in their heart of hearts, in their soul.  

There is beauty in so many things.  There are no confines to beauty.  On beauty.  Beauty has no limits.  We see beauty differently.  And isn't that terrifying?

xkcd never fails to fascinate me

I long ago subscribed to Randall Munroe's xkcd.  I get new comics in my Google Reader and it's wondrous.  :)  Today's alt-text hooked me: 'Wikipedia trivia: if you take any article, click on the first link in the article text not in parentheses or italics, and then repeat, you will eventually end up at "Philosophy".'

Of course I had to try.  I started by hitting "random article" on the sidebar, to make it fair.

Five times so far.  I give you my results ... 

Cheraw State Park - United States - federalism - politics - group decision making - individual - person - human - taxonomy - science - knowledge - fact - information - sequence - mathematics - quantity - property (philosophy) - modern philosophy - philosophy

United Nations Security Council Resolution 210 - United Nations - international organization - organization - corporations - state - social sciences - umbrella term - superset - mathematics - quantity - property (philosophy) - modern philosophy - philosophy

Glyceraldehyde-3-phosphate dehydrogenase (NADP+) (phosphorylating) - enzymology - proteins - compounds -  chemical substance - chemistry - science - knowledge - fact - information - sequence - mathematics - quantity - property (philosophy) - modern philosophy - philosophy

Charlotte Parish, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines -  parish - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines - Lesser Antilles - Antilles - West Indies - Caribbean Sea - sea - body of water - water - chemical substance chemistry - science - knowledge - fact - information - sequence - mathematics - quantity - property (philosophy) - modern philosophy - philosophy

The Two-Character Play - Out Cry - Tennessee Williams - playwright - drama - mode (literature) - literature - fiction - narrative - Latin - Italic language - Indo-European - (language) family - languages - communication - meaning (philosophy of language) - Aristotle - Greek - nation - sovereign state - state - social sciences - umbrella term - superset - mathematics - quantity - property (philosophy) - modern philosophy - philosophy

Note that some of the entries are the words I clicked, and some of them are the title of the article - just depended on where I looked first ... 

Slightly unnerving, but also somewhat enlightening.  Everything leads back to the love of wisdom.

(Philosophy itself leads back to philosophy with only two in between ... "reason" and "rationality".)