VISI, day 8

Today flipped over about midway through.

I did not get up at six, as I had wanted to, but at seven-thirty.  Sleeping better with a blanket on top and more towels added to the pile underneath ...  

I went to the performance psychology class, and after that intimate and gentle cajoling of intentions, past experiences, goals, motivations, etc ... I was kaput.  I was depressed.  I was so down.  I could not possibly face two hours of lecture and masterclass.  It just wasn't going to work - not unless I shut down entirely, sat at the back and spent the rest of the day closed to everything ... which was the whole point of the psychology class to get away from, now that I think about, so in the end this was a good thing that ... I didn't go.  I escaped back to my room, spent a while just breathing and reminding myself that it was okay to be hurting, and then wrote a bit.  Not a lot, just a bit.  I'm easing back into the whole writing thing - it bothers me that I don't write as much fiction as I'd like, and instead I do a lot of journaling and written-daydreaming (though mostly journaling nowadays).  Maybe the fiction will come.  Right now my life is tough enough in my head (which on its own makes me sound incredibly egotistical ... one of the things I journal about).

I forced myself out to the concert at one, which wasn't worth it, in my opinion.  I didn't particularly like the voice of the mezzo who was performing - couldn't understand all her words, some of her emotions felt a bit contrived - but I think my lack of connection was mostly due to my mental state, which was still right down in the dumps.  The first lecture afterwards was nice - an hour and a half on why diction is important and how it's actually interesting (which had never really been articulated to me - diction was just a tool before this afternoon, and now, having been contextualized into language, which I adore, it is much more interesting), but the second session ... the coaching ... 

The man coaching, a pianist named Dr Harley who teaches out of Washington DC, was absolutely fantastic.  I ended up going first, and we worked through Die Mainacht (a song I must have coached four times now).  He made it come alive like no other coach had managed to do, and he did more talking than I did singing but it was so fascinating that I really didn't mind.  Each other singer's session was just as fascinating, and I felt my spirits lifting even as he was saying hello and introducing himself at the beginning.  He's very British, and very funny, and managed to hit the right combination of suggestion, encouragement, and a very little bit of correction.  It didn't feel like correction at all, though - just, "well, why don't we try it this way, because xyz?"  reaction: holy crap that is precisely what this means.  It was glorious.  I would definitely want to work with him again.

Right after lectures, I popped away to do a bit of grocery shopping, and then came home.  Eating some dinner now - just veggies and dip (bought an amazing masala salad dressing, love it), will have rice tomorrow sometime.  Yay for buying interesting things, not just staples!

I am feeling better about life right now, but I feel as it the balance is very fragile.  I still feel very tired, and my body is not the way it was before - I am stiff and sore still, and it is very painful to stretch in the morning.  Stupid bed.  Ow.  On the other hand, fresh fruit and vegetables, and the hope for more coachings like this afternoon's ...  and maybe, just maybe, more writing.